“Out on the information superhighway again, eh, Jodders? You've got the intent, furtive look of a man about to win a campervan for 99p because somebody couldn't spell Volkswagen Cicada.”
“Uurr, yurs. Ur, jurst hurd frum mur pul ut th ducturs - thuyr huvn dufucultuh wuth thur untu vurus suftwurr.”
“I'm sorry, what was that?”
“Urr nud tuh cunsuntruut. Ul unluh gut uksus fur uh murrmunt....”
“Access to what?”
“Tusst rusutts.”
“Surely you can just ring up? I know the hold music's philistine, and the receptionist a shameless Gossip, but do you really need to hack into-”
“Nurr, nurr, nut muhh rusutts! Ull thu rusutts! Uh wunt tuh cull thu uld luddus wuth tumunul cuncur, tull thum thur uctuluh urrkhuy, uhnd thul buh suur huppuh un gruttful uh cun gurt thum tuh muk uh churutubuhl duurnushun fuh thurs luss furtunut...”
“Jodrell, that sounds rather exploitative.”
“..Und jurbs uh guddun! Uh guts muh munuh, uld luddus gut burrud, uvruhbudduh's huppuh!”
“But just imagine the misery of those poor women when they get the real call with their true results! You can't do this. You really, really can't...”
“Zukkuh, uhv gut tuh thunk uf thu munnuh! Fur yurr ruccud! Uhm nurluh thurr nurr...”
“I forbid you to do it, Jod! Jod! Stop!”
“Jurst uburrt...”
“Oh heavens, I beg you! Stop it! I... I... I'll let you.”
“Uhhr, Zukkuh...”
“I'll let you! If only you stop what you're doing and abandon this ghastly scheme!”
“Urrrrrrr...”
“Ok, so that's a yes then?”
“Urrrrrr...”
“Wait, just leave off a second. I will let you, but I must insist we prepare some saline in a shot glass so I can bathe it immediately afterwards and limit the risk of some exotic variant of conjunctivitis…”
“Urrrrr urrrr urrr....”
“Good Gilead, I feel like Malcolm McDowell! Just try not to poke me and I'll try not to blink.”
“Urrrrrrrr....”
“And if you could keep from pummelling my face...”
“Urrrrr! Urrr! URRRR!”
“Oh! Oh, goodness! Get me a flannel, Jod! A flannel! Jodrell? Jodrell, are you typing? I can hear you typing! I can't believe it!”
“Hullurrrrr, us thurt Mursus Pussulthwuuurt? Uhv gut guurd nurs!…”