Holroy Montipoe: I say, it's awfully good of you all to volunteer for this old fashioned focus group. Unlike my late husband, I prefer the honest approach to market research.
Glinda Gossip-Champion: Wouldn't miss it for the world, Holy?!! I've always wanted a good snoop round Phishnet HQ!!!*@#++!
Gellon Trombulus: What are friends for if not to be at your side when you've inherited a huge multinational tech company in the aftermath of your husband's tragic death which concluded an unhappy three-week marriage?
Zookie: Is Phishnet all yours now, Holroy?
Holroy Montipoe: Well, more or less mine. Except I've spotted a substantial and unexplained standing order going to a bank on the Isle of Mammon. Oh, and there's a sort of spooky, silent chap with big lapels who swings by on Tuesdays to flick through my Filofax. And Mrs Sucktup the cleaning lady scolds me when she wanders in during the finance meetings. But apart from that I can do whatever I like.
Lolly Delwinney: Can we hurry up and start, HMP? I'm having my coccyx reset at one thirty. Let's get cracking.
Holroy Montipoe: Right-o, Lolly. Is Oyster going to be joining us?
Zookie: I don't think this is really up her alley.
Glinda Gossip-Champion: What alley?!! All Oyster's got is a garden path and a couple of cul-de-sacs!!*†°
Lolly Delwinney: Better a garden path than the Autobahn. Dr Aslan has promised to get me back down to a dual carriageway.
Holroy Montipoe: Well, if we're all here I'll begin. As you know, dear old Mod was a great champion of carnality...
Gellon Trombulus: As long as the pepperoni wasn't touching the parma ham. I had to pick up a meat feast for him once. He was very particular.
Myrtle Gooch: I believe Holroy's talking about sex, Gelly.
Gellon Trombulus: Are you sure? I don't see how one could have sex with a pizza. Mind you, there's not much I'd put past an American.
Holroy Montipoe: Intelligent dildos, my dears. That's Modcon Phish's legacy. In particular, those that cater for ladies of a certain age. So I have a few questions and.. where's Glinda?
Lolly Delwinney: I think I saw her shoving a Rolodex down her Pamela Manns and sidling off.
Holroy Montipoe: Knickers! Mrs Sucktup'll have my giblets for jay cloths. I'll be right back... Glinda!
Lolly Delwinney: Come on, Whippy, you know Holy's password. Find us the questions and let's get it over with.
Posy Whipsnade: Peep peep poop!
Zookie: I'm not sure it's a good idea to pummel Holy's laptop like that, Whippy.
Myrtle Gooch: Oh look, here we are: "Index of prototypes"..."AriDriver"? "Atropheeder"? "Cadavirille"!?! Well for a start, she needs some sexier names! Oh wait, how about this one: it's called the "LBD".
Zookie: That's much better. Remember our Little Black Dress days in the 80s?
Gellon Trombulus: Yes Indeed. Although to be fair, the funerals did peter out after Mayburp binned the picked eggs and ordered some line cleaner.
Myrtle Gooch: It says here LBD stands for "Little Big Death".
Lolly Delwinney: Styled after Dustin Hoffman's totem pole, is it, what.
Myrtle Gooch: No way! Look at this!
Zookie: "For when the *petit* mort is not enough. A sensuous aid to euthanasia, the LBC will ensure your commitment to personal termination is amply rewarded." What is this thing?
Lolly Delwinney: Well come on, tell us what Holy wanted to ask us.
Zookie: Well, there appear to be some options for dispatch methods...
Posey Whipsnade: splunk!
Zookie: ... "Hypertoxic ejaculate"
Posey Whipsnade: tzzzut...
Zookie: ..."Electrocution"...
Posey Whipsnade: Kapow!
Zookie: ...or "discharge of 9mm ammunition".
Gellon Trombulus: I have Casaubon Prime?
Zookie: Gelly, this isn't about postage. We need to talk to Holroy.
Lolly Delwinney: Or we could just agree on the bullet to the fanny and be on our way, hm? Oh good, here's Holy. Almost done now, dear.
Holroy Montipoe: No sign of Glinda. I'll just have to own up and face Mrs Sucktup's insufferable dubstep. I've brought the trolley with the prototypes... Why all the grim faces? Has someone died, besides my darling Mod?
Zookie: I'm afraid your Mod had a dark side, Holy. Look at this.
Holroy Montipoe: Oh yes, the LBD. I have one right here on the trolley. Let's just fire it up.
Lolly Delwinney: Is it meant to be smoking like that?
Myrtle Gooch: Crikey! What's it going to do?
Holroy Montipoe: I have no idea. The mode switch has melted!
Posey Whipsnade: Vroooom vrooooooom!
Lolly Delwinney: Good idea, Whippy - let's run.
Zookie: Are you sure you want to throw it into the confidential waste bag? Isn't it a tad flammable?
Holroy Montipoe: I'm hoping it might soak up all the poison spunk. Come on everyone, time to get out.
Zookie: Isn't there an extinguisher or a fire blanket or something?
Holroy Montipoe: Mrs Sucktup says they're for sissies.
Zookie: Ok. Off we go then.
**********************************************************
Gellon Trombulus: Oh, Holroy. I'm so sorry. I can't believe an entire high-rise, mainly glass skyscraper burned so fast. And how come the fire brigade took so long?
Holroy Montipoe: Mod was fond of the occasional prank call. I fear he may have squandered our right to summon the immediate aid of London's noble fire brigade.
Posey Whipsnade: Nee naw.
Lolly Delwinney: Terrible shame. Anyway, toodle-oo. I'll see you chaps in six weeks when I can once more perch upon a chesterfield.
Zookie: Well, I suppose the insurance will cover *some* of the damage, won't it? You are insured, aren't you?
Holroy Montipoe: Oh yes, we're insured. But it was all arranged by Mod's friend. Shady fellow. Goes by the name of Eric Wormwood.
Zookie: Where can we find him?
Glinda Gossip-Champion: According to my rolodex, he's still running his record label, Wormwood Dubz!!™©®$$?!
Zookie: Good heavens - that was Mummy's label! I wonder if her backing band, The HistoryOnyx, are still recording...
Holroy Montipoe: It's not far from your bottom bodger on Gnarly Street, Lols. Let's share a taxi. Whippy?
Posey Whipsnade: Taxi!!