ZOOKIE: I came as soon as I could. How is she?
HOLROY MONTIPOE: She's.. Is that a doughnut?
ZOOKIE: Yes.
HOLROY MONTIPOE: It's not looking good, Zooks. I suppose it was only a matter of time before one of us fell under the wheels of Mrs Tool of Knole Hall.
POSEY WHIPSNADE: Vroom vroom!
ZOOKIE: Gracious, what are all those lumps?
HOLROY MONTIPOE: They're donor organs. It's an experimental technique for preservation - they graft them to comatose patients.
GLINDA GOSSIP-CHAMPION: It's how the Spanish health service recoups costs when a patient's medical insurance consists of a cocaine dusted EHIC card with a 2004 expiry date! I daresay when the last cornea’s been retrieved they'll pull the plug!
ZOOKIE: Oh, Oyster…
NURSE GLOVIS ZAMPINAR: olar, olar, scuse may, camin threw!
NURSE HOOTLE ZAMPINAR: Sez ere we nayd a kidnay. Gizza scalpewl.
NURSE GLOVIS ZAMPINAR: Awr yew syoow vat's a kidnay? Luwkz mawr laik an emmaroyd.
NURSE HOOTLE ZAMPINAR: Naw, naw, Missus Royd's on wowrd nooo-evvay.
NURSE GLOVIS ZAMPINAR: Awite, way got it! Wewl be aat a yowr way naa, laydies.
HOLROY MONTIPOE: Hang on one second, what is that grafted between...?
GLINDA GOSSIP-CHAMPION: A humungous scoop!
GELLON TROMBULUS: That's not a scoop; that's a...
POSY WHIPSNADE: Vroom vroom!
GELLON TROMBULUS: I didn't know you could get a...transplant a.…
GLINDA GOSSIP-CHAMPION: That's because you can't! This is a divine revelation!!
HOLROY MONTIPOE: Croopus! This is even more shocking than when we found out the Zampinar sisters were state schooled.
GLINDA GOSSIP-CHAMPION: I can't believe that wasn't exposéd sooner. They were always giving themselves airs.
GELLON TROMBULUS: Ah yes, I have heard that state educated girls are a little, well, careless.
GLINDA GOSSIP-CHAMPION: But not as careless as Oyster for neglecting to attend to this little matter! Rather a big matter, actually! Phwoar!!!
ZOOKIE: Oh please, give it a rest, Glinda.
GLINDA GOSSIP-CHAMPION: Oooh touchy! You don't have one as well, do you?!
ZOOKIE: No, I don't. But I know Oyster would appreciate our discretion.
HOLROY MONTIPOE: You knew?
ZOOKIE: We were on a Catholic retreat in Walsingham in 1989. The hotel had a sauna, and Oyster had a... situation. I remember she said, "don't worry, Zooks, you don't flirt my skirts - it's just the hot cedar. This too shall pass". Then we had cold showers and caught the bus to the Slipper Chapel, and nothing more was said.
HOLROY MONTIPOE: I can't believe you've known all this time. I’m very tempted to sing that Billy Joel song…
GELLON TROMBULUS: Oh yes. "Only the good die young..."
GLINDA GOSSIP-CHAMPION: And the decidedly bent die at seventy three, stuffed full of surplus offal! Get me Charlie Champion! I'm phoning this one in!!!!